I think…..

I think that the days and weeks are passing slowly……

Then I remember I am 13 weeks and 1 day, and I think that maybe time is moving on.

I think I might tell people next week….

Then I think I might not.

I think my tummy should be bigger…..

Then I think ‘there’s time for that’.

I think I am unlucky to have to had to go through the pain….

Then I think how lucky I am to be living in an age when people can make miracles really happen.

I think about meeting you for the first time….

And I think I will cry.

I think lots of things all of the time…..

But I know there’s a real live baby in there and that makes me think there is hope.

1 in 1594

So we had our NT scan yesterday.

We have a risk of 1 in 1594, which is classed as low risk.

So, why am I still worried? I think it’s because everyone else seems to get 1 in 3000 or 1 in 10,000.

I spoke to the midwife today, she said it was my blood results that has affected the rating, my HCG was high. The scan was “perfect” in their words, nasal bone present, nuchal fold 1.9mm, everything else looking normal.

I am just a worrier, but you knew that already.

Taking the stabilisers off

I am due to start reducing my estrogen and progesterone from 11 weeks. I am 11 weeks and 1 day today. I stop the medication completely at the end of my 12th week.

I don’t want to stop them! I am scared. Am I normal?

Also, I need to start giving some thought to ‘telling’ people. We have our nuchal scan next Thursday, so if all is ok (cross arms legs and everything) I guess we are free. Free to let people know. That scares me too.

I always knew I was a worrier but boy I have surpassed myself with over analysing this pregnancy lark.

So for those of who who have walked this path before when did you tell people, and by people I mean work, neighbours, general friends etc? And for those of you who hopefully will tread this path what are your plans for telling?

Peaking from behind the cushion with one eye….

10 weeks 1 day scan and all is ok.

Measuring at an enormous 36mm and 10 weeks 4 days, so all still looking good for now. Wish I could find how wordpress lets you reduce the font size in posts as there are parts of the last sentence I want to put in tiny tiny writing.

There was wriggling, which amazed us. We saw tiny fingers, arms and legs. I couldn’t believe we had moved from a blob to baby in 2 weeks.

If it’s ok, I will show you the pictures:

8 weeks 1 day: 

10 weeks 1 day

What a difference eh?

Just got to keep getting through the days, and they might, just might turn into months.

Breaking the mould

Most evenings Mr BTC and I watch tv. He has a long day at work, commuting 4 hours to London, so after dinner we just sit back and relax.

Last night we were watching a very well known English soap opera. One of the male characters was talking to his ex-girlfriend. He was trying to win her back. He looked her in the eyes and said “You are one in a million”.

Mr BTC, being the romantic soul he is, looked at me and said “You are one in a million”. Then he said “They threw away the mould when they made you”.

The sentence hit me.

He was right, they did throw away the mould.

There would never again be one made like me.

And then, on the sofa, watching a silly soap opera, I cried my heart out.

 

Disclaimer: This in no way means I am unhappy to be where I am. I am thrilled beyond words. It’s just sometimes, things come back to remind me and I wouldn’t be human if they didn’t pull at my battered heart every now and again.

A letter to our nearest and dearest

A letter I have sat on my kitchen work surface, ready to post to our closest friends and family. Just can’t bring myself to send as yet….maybe if all is ok after the next scan.

Well, who would have believed we’d ever have the pleasure of writing this note!!…..

Finally, we have a light at the end of the tunnel and we just want to say thanks so much for your support. It has helped us to stay sane through some very difficult times. Very few people have known the full extent of our struggle and it has really helped to know you were there , even if at times, we went a little quiet.

Now we need to ask for your support again!

The route we have taken carries the added responsibility of one day talking to our ‘maybe baby’ about his/her beginnings.  We really want to choose how and when that happens, not just for our own reasons but because we’ve researched what will be best for our child.

To help us do the best job we can, we have just two wishes. One is that you don’t share the donor history with anyone (including family) and the other is that you don’t discuss anything about us having IVF with anyone new.

It is so important for our baby that this information is kept private, so he/she can decide, when they are old enough, who, if anyone should know.

Just knowing that you will support our wishes will mean so much and will allow us to enjoy the coming months without additional worry.

So, we are two scans down and all looks great. Fingers crossed, next May, we’ll all have something fabulous to celebrate. We can’t wait to share this exciting new chapter with you.

 

All our love

 

Mr BTC and Bee Cee

x

And breathe

I feel like I am constantly holding my breath.

I can’t relax.

I can’t enjoy anything.

I can’t write here in case I jinx anything and for that I apologise.

I am anxious.

All the time.

I am not sure when it will pass.

Today made me feel better.

8 weeks, 1 day and another scan. Measuring at 8 weeks 2 days and heart rate great. We even heard it, which took our breath away.

I had so many thoughts….

…about what to write but my mind is a mush.

We got one perfect heartbeat and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.

Living by the minute

Please excuse the swearing but f*ck me I am pregnant.

Second HCG level is 864, which has quadrupled in the four days since the last test. So on track, for now.

Next stop, scan in 2 weeks.

P.S I know it probably goes without saying but  if you are my friend on Faceb.ook please don’t blow my cover. There is a long long way to go and don’t I know it.

Make a wish

Shall I start with this?

Then shall I let you know that the same day I started spotting, red/brown and have been off an on ever since (just brown today)?

Should I let you know that I went for an early blood test yesterday (9dp 5dt)? The result was 215.

Shall I say that while 215 is not a shabby number, it really doesn’t mean anything until I repeat the test on Monday?

Should I say I am shit*ing myself and this is going to be the longest weekend of my life?

Can I just ask you to do me one favour, say a wish, a prayer, anything that might make this end in a fairytale.